Discipling Our Children

I'm rereading a book by Paul David Tripp called Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. I read it several years ago after I purchased it from a homeschool conference, but think it should be reread periodically as a refresher. I'm learning new things this time through because I'm in a different place spiritually, and my daughter is older and hopefully more spiritually and emotionally mature. The last time I read it was with my son in mind, as my daughter was not yet a teenager.

Something struck me today and I'd like to share it. Chapter 3 has a section that discusses interpretation. Paul says,

"...all children think, and the thoughts of their hearts shape the way they live their lives...Parents who understand that their children are interpreters do everything they can to get them to think out loud and instill in them a distinctively biblical view of life. They will realize that this is usually not done in formal times of instruction like family worship, but spontaneously as issues come up in the course of family life...It is vital that as we live in the mundane moments of life with our children, we teach them to see life from God's perspective. Parents who understand that their children are not simply reacting to the facts, but are interpreting the facts in a way that gives them a particular shape and meaning, will ask good questions and be good listeners."

 I don't think I've ever really stopped to think about this, but it's true. I find myself wondering why in the world my daughter gets so upset about certain things, and I now understand it's because she's interpreting them in a different light from what I am. These are good teaching moments, once we get past the anger.

Paul goes on to talk about "fixing" a fruit tree that won't produce good, juicy fruit by stapling good, juicy fruit to the branches. He didn't solve the problem of the tree not producing good fruit, but only made an outward change that won't last. The new fruit doesn't have any support and will eventually rot.

"I'm convinced that much of what we have called Christian parenting is nothing more or less than 'fruit stapling'...This 'sin is bad, don't do it' brand of parenting forgets that sin is not only a matter of behavior, but a matter of the thoughts and motives of the heart as well. It fails to recognize that if the heart does not change, any behavioral changes that take place will be temporary and cosmetic, because they will not be attached to roots in the heart."

I've fallen into the trap of trying to change my children's behavior by "stapling" instead of getting to the root of the problem. It only creates more work for all of us, however, because the original problem never gets solved and typically only grows bigger.

Our biggest problem right now is that our daughter doesn't take discipline well at all. She immediately gets  an attitude and doesn't listen to what we say, instead arguing or negating everything. It's quite frustrating to try to have a simple conversation with her or give her a simple instruction, only to have it turn into an argument.